You live and you learn...

You live and you learn!

This year I turn 30 years old. Oh my hell that seems crazy to me. I used to say how in the year 2000, will be 23. That day came and went really fast. But oh how far away it was in 1992. So I have moved past that day and I have said that when I turned 30 I would be old and wise. I feel old, but I think with age should come experience and wisdom, right. WRONG!

I have so much to learn about life; women, relationships, work, travel, food, love, pain, humor, sympathy, sadness, health and what makes me tick. I have had one bad marriage ending in divorce. Many bad girlfriends, friendships, and acquaintances that have gone away and nobody knows why (at least they never told me why). All things together I am perplexed. I think I have a handle on it all, why can’t I get it right?

I have figured out that if I open my mouth someone gets offended (I am working on that). And that I need to learn to keep things to myself more. Or at least write things down instead of saying them. For years I have wondered how my father has done it for so long. He doesn’t let things show, he is generally always happy, and he doesn’t say much. I should ask him what the secret is but he probably doesn’t know either. If there is a man on this planet that has patience it is him. If you have met my Mother, you would know what I mean. He is either a pro, or he is really good at hiding stuff. I have a goal to be more like him in life.

When you look at the big picture it is sad really. I have to get it together. I stress people out because I am a nervous wreck. I always try and play the savior and take all the worries and problems on myself. I need to stop. I am afraid I am going to die young from just being worn out, or I will have an aneurism or something.

I have only one thing I want out of life (my big picture). I want to be happy. I can really only remember two times when I was truly happy. 1- When my son Devin was born, 2- when I expressed my love for Mariah and married my soul mate. That is it. Pretty short list eh! What else makes me happy? I only have those two things. Do people have tons of stuff that make them happy or am I weird? I feel that I need to be happy for more but it is hard to find reasons. Truly being happy is what I want, I am sure I am not alone there. I have learned what doesn’t make me happy; I can go on for days. It has gotten hard to find things to be happy about even in the interim. I am happy that I still have 2 reasons to be happy that has got to count. I just don’t want to lose them as well.

My search has begun again to find happiness and keep things in tact. In my next thirty years I am going to laugh more. I am going to not be down as much no matter what. Maybe making light of everything and never being serious is the key? I am going to take lots of opportunities to look around and take in nature. I am going to be alone more, never really been alone for long. I am going to eat better and drink less. I am not going to be afraid of medication, it is not evil, maybe you can help me happy pill. I am going to try and be adventurous, step out there and take a chance. I am going to worry less; I don’t want to become my grandfather as my wife says. I am going to live life as if there may not be a tomorrow and stop worrying about what I don’t have and what I wish that I had. I am going to be more patient. I am going to read more books that are not just teaching me something.

All in all I am going to try my best to feel better about things. I don’t want to lose the life I have and I owe it to myself, my wife, and my family and friends to get out of this rut. I am thankful that you have all put up with me for this long, it will get better. I hit a low and that happens, and I am sorry.


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

-Helen Keller



"...happiness is the highest good, being a realization and perfect practice of virtue, which some can attain, while others have little or none of it..."

-Aristotle